I guess this has been a long time coming and warranted. In doing so, I have to write this letter, knowing that you may never see it or read it, but hoping that you will. This is not written in an attempt to hurt, blame or shame you in any way or capacity, but this has to happen for me to grow as a man, move past the hurt and stop carrying the pain that sits with me daily.
There are patterns of dysfunction that exist in nearly every family and most relationships, sometimes far more toxic than other times. In our case, I chased an illusive, invisible ghost of a man that i once wanted to exactly like, both good and bad. I remember as a child yearning so bad for you to say you were proud of me, to never hear it when i needed it most. Now as a grown man, I'm still waiting.
For a long time i had convinced myself that i was over the fact that you refuse to be a father, but I was wrong. I know this because of the flood of emotion I feel when i hear your name, or more recently, see you. It proves to me that i have lots of work to do to get past your lack of responsibility as a father.
I remember for years being so angry at my mom for taking me to visit you in jail, that i swore that i would NEVER subject myself to that kind of pain again. Trying to love someone through a prison glass and on a prison phone is not a "normal" approach to father/son bonding, but it became our "norm", and i refuse to perpetuate that cycle of dysfunction in my life.
Part of me recovering my happiness and joy has to come from moving past the things that i didn't get not having you when i needed you most. I am doing that by working with other fathers to make sure they also see the dysfunction and correct it, so our next generation don't miss out on the real message about manhood and what a responsible father does for and with his children.
As a young man, i used to ask GOD why doesn't my father love me enough to be the man that i need him to be. Now as a man i realize that you may not have had all the tools you needed when i needed you, but the father that you were not, helped make me the father, and man that i am. It gave me the resilience to fight through the hard things and come out polished on the other end, it made me take a different approach in working with men with substance abuse issues and how they interact with their kids, in trying to make sure another generation of young men don't feel the pain that I felt as a boy/man
It hurts me to think that we have not yet reached the point that we can sit down as men and apologize for all that we have gone through together and separately. On the rare occasions, that we do see each other, once or twice per decade, our conversations are a cruel reminder of the fact that our relationship has very little to no value to you. Our interaction is so shallow and superficial that it feels as if I'm talking to a stranger. To some extent I am, because we really do not know each other, you have no clue who I have become as a man.
For a long time I blamed you for all of my anger, angst and anxiety, but in reality you never forced me to make bad decisions, maybe our relationship influenced those decisions, but ultimately,I own my mistakes. I hope that some day, you do the same. In an effort to get through the pain and hurt i know i must forgive and move on, this hasn't been easy and hopefully I will get to that point, soon. Not for you, but for ME. I refuse to carry the burden of our failed relationship and allow that to impact my emotional well being and effect my life any further. I don't have space in my life or heart for the pain, anger or hate, it consumes way too much of me and limits the great things I have to offer the people in my life.
In closing, I realize that this letter may not be easy to read, but it can't be half as hard as it was for me to write it. Again, this isn't an attempt at guilt, its about my growth and closure with the demons I've struggled with for so long.
Signing Off
Sean M. Harris
