The fight

Hola friends,

I'm back again, just felt the need to write and find some solace through all of the madness of the story that is my life. Blogging is actually a great catharsis for me, so i hope you don't mind me revealing my world to you through my words.

Last night I did a speaking engagement at Anna Maria College for teachers working on their Masters Degrees, It was on the impact of education on children of color, and the lack of diversity among educators, and how the educational systems failures effect the community. In the midst of the discussion the subject of depression came up and was a good topic for a few minutes on how hard it is for any child to learn when they are depressed.

Very few people know that i have and still do suffer with serious bouts of depression. It's a secret that i have held onto for a long time. The number of people that know, well before now, could be counted on three fingers, including myself.

It's funny, because in my daily work i talk with people all the time about the need to let go of our secrets to find and fix ourselves, but i wasn't practicing what i preached when it came to the issue of depression. It becomes really tough, because I can usually tell when it's coming, so i try to use the appropriate copings skills that i have put in place so it doesnt disrupt my daily existence and i can just keep "going".

After fighting this fight for so long, i have become pretty good at not letting it knock me back, or even slow me down. Most of the time i just want to be left alone for 2-3 days and i will be fine, but with the dogged pace that i keep and the number of things i have going on, thats damn near impossible. I did a lot of research on the best ways of dealing with depression and decided that some of the "traditional" ways i had no interest in. For that reason, i have implemented my own "treatment" that has seemed to work very well.

Music has always been my release to get me through anything and everything in life, now in combination with that it has become running, which is the reason that it really sucks that i have injured my foot. I guess metaphorically, running would seem like it wouldn't work, since it symbolizes my escape from the issues, but it is actually becoming the opposite, it gives me time and space to just be with ME and confront my demons and create my action plan to deal with them. Hopefully, blogging, with my music on of course, will give me a third option.

Now that i understand depression better, it really has given me great insite into why i did a lot of things i did when i was younger, i always rationalized it in different ways, but i know it was the depression.

I often wonder how many others go through what i do. I also wonder how many don't have the coping skills and turn to other ways of numbing themselves from their depression. I truly believe that a lot of substance abuse, suicide, violence and other ills are a result of people not really understanding whats going on in our heads and hearts and thinking that the pain can only be solved by things not already in us, i think the opposite is true, for me anyway. I know and understand that my depression can be dealt with by the tools i already have and i thank GOD that those tools are present in my life. I also know that i have great people that I surround myself with that i love and cherish dearly and they don't even realize how much they help me . Most of whom that know me will read this and say HOLY SH*T, I never knew that depression was even an issue in his life. I realize that one more step in winning the fight is to not fight alone.

In closing, i just want all of us to remember that there are so many people like myself fighting this invisible battle inside and may need a person to help them through. Please listen to the people you love and if you can, BE THAT PERSON. It makes all the difference in the world.

Until next time....